i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize