just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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