I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
