he thought i was a dude.
if only i could text you this smell
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
