Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
