im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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