I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
you made out with another girl for some wings
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
