Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
