I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
