FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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