So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
