By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
