i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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