so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I need a burrito and a hug.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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