White coat. Heels.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
