im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
