Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My life is pants optional.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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