She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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