Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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