I can tuck mytits in my pants
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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