I think I am morally bankrupt
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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