On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
