You can't special order awesome
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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