Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
