It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
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