Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
