it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
