having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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