so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
