he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
