If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize