So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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