her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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