my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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