I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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