Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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