had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize