Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
