Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
