it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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