just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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