I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
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