She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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