Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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