as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
