If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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