boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize