Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I had to cum in my sink.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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