The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
