batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
