that's an acceptable place to lick
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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