I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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