Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
