Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Randomize
