Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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