DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
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