A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
