he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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