What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
