Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
