sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I came so hard my ears popped.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize