Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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