at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
