and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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