Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
